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I just wish I could stay like I am right now permanently! I feel pretty great, and I am really not used to this. I started massage therapy last week to help with the pain in my neck and above my eyes; it’s working. I haven’t been taking half as many painkillers than I had been taking. I usually take 2 Provigil pills every day to help with my fatigue; today I’ve had none! And I’m doing pretty great! It’s 3:40 PM, and I’m actually feeling awake and smart again, able to focus more than usual!
I wasn’t feel too bright or smart last night. Our MS Self-Help group meets the 2nd Wednesday of every month, and it is my month for bringing along the snack. After work, David and I went to the grocery store and bought mini chocolate chip muffins and mini carrot muffins. I put them on a platter, covered them with plastic wrap, and then I went off to my meeting, which is about a 15 minute drive. I got there and the parking lot was empty! It took me about 3 minutes to finally realize that I was a week early for our meeting! We don’t meet until NEXT Wednesday! Gosh, I felt so stupid. So now we have lots of mini muffins to eat! I gave my father half a dozen this morning. I’m just glad that they’re tasty! I’ll have to go out and buy something again for the meeting next week, when it actually takes place! Stupid me.
My sister-in-law’s birthday party is on Saturday – a surprise party, and I can’t wait! They have an awesome pool and we’ll have a great BBQ with the whole family. David and I went to Punta Cana, in the Dominican Republic, in April where I bought a HUGE inflatable killer whale. I named him “Shammy” and brought him back where he lives in Sean and Krista’s pool now. I can’t wait until Saturday, when I can lounge in the pool on my whale again!
We are so excited for “Big Brother 7” to start tonight! David and I have watched every season, loyally. Sean and Krista also watch the series. I can’t wait to see which people are chosen to go on this summer; I really hope Janelle makes it – I voted for her a couple of times.
I’m just so happy that today is great as it is. I’ve been feeling sort-of miserable, sad, and bummed out lately. I haven’t missed a day of work all week! I hope I am able to feel like this for a long, long time!
I can’t believe that I am actually very proud of myself for this: I haven’t called in sick for work once during the past 2 weeks! I have been tempted, and I’ve had days where I’ve felt icky and just didn’t think I could make it through the day, but I’ve made 2 weeks now. It is 2 weeks today since I’ve called in sick! Most people would not think much of this, but for me – this is probably a new record for the past year! I am proud of myself.
I think we’re going to St. Martins again this weekend. We’ll probably stay in Tony & Cathy’s guesthouse. It is the beginning of Old Home Week – lots of activities and special events. Saturday is the big yard sales; one end of the town to the other has yard sale after yard sale! I usually end up buying a bunch of stuff that I don’t need, but it’s still lots of fun for me.
I think they have darts shoots every Friday night at the Legion in St. Martins, and I am quite excited to go because I have not thrown 1 dart since Provincials in May, and I truly miss playing. I’m not sure if they have the shoots during the summer months, but I’ll find out tomorrow night. I think it is a “meat shoot” where everybody pays $5 and the winners take home steaks and hotdogs. I used to do meat shoots every week when we lived in Rothesay and I usually brought home steaks – David was always very happy about that! I’d have fun playing darts and he’d get some awesome steaks to put on the BBQ! (LOL)
I can’t wait until the weekend! I hope I’m still feeling well enough to enjoy everything.
July 18, 2006
Well, my awesome attendance record at work is no longer – I took a sick day yesterday. But it was great having a day to rest and sleep. When David got home from work at 5:00 I was sound asleep!
St. Martins was incredible, as usual. We went out Friday evening after work. The weather was horrible when we were here in the city – raining so hard that you couldn’t even see out the windshield! Water was splashing out of manholes, and the streets looked like little rivers. It only lasted about ½ hour, then it completely cleared up; it turned beautiful.
I wasn’t able to sleep Friday night, so around 2:00 am I walked down to the beach and just sat there by myself for about ½ hour. It was so incredible. The moonlight was perfect to watch the waves, and I was so relaxed just sitting there listening to the waves crashing on the shore. I can’t wait ‘til we go back again!
The RONA MS Bike Tour is this weekend. I’m volunteering to work at one of the rest stops. I am really excited. Last year I volunteered as a “flagger” and stood on the side of the road and directed the cyclists to turn up the hill to the finish line. I was by myself, and I got very excited and emotional once the cyclists started coming by me. This year is going to be so much better! Hopefully most of the cyclists will stop for a drink and a snack and I’ll be able to talk to them and encourage them on their ride. I wanted to ride this year, and I was going to, but there is NO WAY I would be able to handle biking 60 km in one day – it would probably wipe me out for a week or two.
I’ve decided to add my diary entries on to my personal website so that my friends and family could read and hopefully understand a bit more some of the things in which I am dealing with. Check out my site at:
http://tracey-lynn-caissie.piczo.com
I have so many things I’d like to put on my site, and eventually I will! I can’t believe I’ve had over 5,000 hits! I was hoping when I first started my web page to hit 1,000 hits. Who knows, maybe it will reach 10,000 some day!
I am having such a crazy tough day! Can’t wait until 4:30 comes so that I can just go home and chill out! Work seems to be just way too hectic and stressful for me; every day seems to get a little bit worst lately. But I know that I am not the only one having a tough time at work; one of my co-workers broke down and cried this morning. I've had a few times in the past few weeks when I've wanted to cry, but I've haven't broken down, yet.
I volunteered for the RONA MS Bike Tour this weekend, and I had an awesome time! It was so wonderful seeing all the cyclists out there raising money for the MS Society. We had 145 cyclists in New Brunswick, up from last year’s 95. Everybody did great, and I met so many wonderful people! I volunteered at the rest stop Saturday afternoon on the other side of the Gondola Point Ferry. This was the challenging route so we only had 36 cyclists come this route. Sunday morning I was at the rest stop at the Legion in Norton and it was so much fun! I can’t wait until next year now. This stop was located on the main route, so everybody cycled by, although quite a few didn’t even have to stop.
I am so glad I volunteered for this event. There are so many weekends that I do not even get out of my pajamas and I just lounge about the house relaxing and resting. I went out Saturday morning around 8:00 AM, and I didn’t get home until 11:30 PM – I even went to the dance after the awards banquet and danced! I never dance, but I had so much fun trying (LOL). Sunday I left our house around 7:15 AM and got home around 3:30 in the afternoon, exhausted. Needless to say, I napped for a couple of hours before I could even get the energy to eat supper.
I think we are going to stay at Mom and Dad’s trailer in St. Martins this weekend. I can’t wait! Words cannot explain how much I enjoy being out there; especially late in the evening just sitting there listening to the waves hit the shore. It is probably the most relaxing moments I seem to have these days.
I can’t believe that for the past 2 days I’ve been feeling “normal”. Not too tired, not too “frazzled” (lost mentally), no major numbness or tingling, no major problems at all. I am fortunate to have a day like this every once in a while, but never 2 days in a row! I feel pretty great! Let’s see how long this continues for. (LOL)
David and I are going to St. Martins (as usual) this weekend. Mom and Dad said we could stay in their trailer; they have an awesome 5th wheel trailer at the campground. This is going to be great! I don’t think Tony and Cathy are coming down this weekend, but we know so many people at the campground so we’ll have fun.
Saturday is Halloween at the campground. This is always my favourite weekend. I decorate the outside porch area of the trailer, play creepy Halloween sound effect CDs, put on my skeleton costume, and then pass out treats to the kids who are trick or treating. I think this year I am going to get cans of juice or lemonade to hand out. David truly hates my skeleton costume; I’ve been wearing it every Halloween for the past 7 years! So I think I am going to try and find something new to wear this weekend. Don’t know what yet. I’ve been searching the Internet for fun and easy costume ideas.
It’s supposed to be very nice weather this weekend, with a very hot humidex on Saturday. It sounds like it is going to be almost intolerable heat. I’ll have to make sure not to overdo anything and take it easy. I’ve never really liked the heat, even as a child. I’ve always preferred colder weather and temperatures.
Can’t wait until the weekend. I’m not sure if we’re going camping for both Friday and Saturday nights, or if we’re just going to go out for the 1 night. As long as I’m there for the Halloween festivities I don’t care. After the trick or treating is finished they’re having a casino at the campground recreation hall. My mother said that it’s a blast and that they will have an auction at the end of the night to buy cool stuff with any money you’ve earned at the casino. Boy, oh boy, I am getting really excited! Halloween, hanging out on the beach, collecting beach glass, and a casino – it’s almost too much excited for me (LOL).
I am so upset right now that it is taking everything I’ve got not to start crying here at work. I brought in a doctor’s note last year stating that I am not to work more than 30 hours per week, and no more than 6.5 hours per shift. It’s all I can handle, and sometimes I cannot even handle that much! They have been so supportive on this until today. I just looked at my hours for the next 2 weeks, and I am scheduled to work Sunday, August 13 from 9:00 AM until 9:00 PM! A 12-hour shift! There’s no way I can handle that; it’s way too long for me. And to make it every shittier, it is David and my 1st wedding anniversary! Happy anniversary honey… I’m going to work for the entire day! I’ve worked here for over 2 years, and I’ve only had to work on the weekend 3 times; this will be the 4th time.
I think that sometimes they forget that I have MS. Sure I look fine, and I wish I felt fine, but I am not, unfortunately. David and I were planning on going away for the weekend to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary; not now. We were thinking about going away to St. Andrews and stay in a nice hotel on Friday and Saturday night, but now we can’t because I’ve got to work!
I e-mailed the folks who are in charge of scheduling the hours, and I got a reply “If you can find someone with the same skill sets as you – you can split up your shift. I’m sure you won’t have a problem. Let us know how you make out.” How is this my responsibility to check with all my co-workers and see if somebody wants to take half my shift for this day? I brought in a doctor’s note – no more than 6.5 hours per shift! It shouldn’t be up to me to find somebody to work a portion of my hours! Words cannot express how annoyed and pissed off I am right now!
August 25, 2006
Howdy!
I can’t believe how long it has been since my last entry. David and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary 2 weeks ago. I can’t believe our wedding was more than a year ago. We stayed at the Delta Beausejour in Moncton Saturday night, which was pretty cool. My parents had our wedding cake in their freezer from last year, and we took it up with us; it was delicious! We spent a couple of hours shopping at “Chapters”; how I wish we had one here in Saint John. I bought a book with optical illusions (pretty neat), an awesome book for scrapbooking, and a super book called the “MS Workbook”. I haven’t gone through the entire MS book yet, but it has lots of into and I love the worksheets and checklists– there is a section on prioritizing items in your life (which I do need help with) and a section on dealing with fatigue (another thing I need help with!).
Last weekend I was off work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday! A 4-day weekend – WOW! My parents drove me out to St. Martins Friday morning and dropped me off at the trailer. I had the entire day by myself! I can’t believe how awesome it was! I spent a lot of time on the beach, listening to the waves crashing on the shore and searching for seashells and beach glass. It was incredibly relaxing; I really needed it. David was going to come out Friday night after work, but he decided to stay in town and go out with his friend Todd. I had the trailer for myself all day Friday, Friday night, and for most of the day on Saturday (David came out just after lunchtime).
David wanted to go home Saturday evening (which I did not want to do), but then my Uncle Tony arrived at his cottage across the street, and David decided he’d stay. Yippee! It was such a perfect weekend for me to relax and unwind. I saw the cutest chubby Beagle at one of the trailers, and I just had to meet him; Beagle is my favourite breed of dogs. His name was Merlin and he was beautiful! His owners then opened the trailer door and Merlin’s little brother Spirit ran out – the cutest little Beagle I’ve ever seen, and he was not yet 4 months old! I spent a lot of time visiting the Beagles last weekend; I even went to the store and bought a box of Milk Bones.
I’ve been feeling OK lately; not too tired and not too much numbness anywhere. Two weeks ago I got a little bit frustrated with myself so I went to a hair salon and told them to cut my hair. It was down to my shoulders, but now it is really, really short in the back and layered all-over; I can’t even get it into a ponytail anymore. David doesn’t like it! When I got home he looked at me and said, “What did they do?” But I like it; it’s a nice change.
Hope everybody is doing well.
Ciao,
TLC
“I will get by; I will survive” – the Grateful Dead
August 28, 2006
Well, I got my work schedule for the next 2 weeks, and it’s back to normal: Monday to Friday, 10:00 am to 4:30 pm. I am quite excited to get my Saturdays back again. But, unfortunately this week I work Tuesday to Saturday, and I have only Sunday off; 1 one-day weekend. Urgh! It’s Labour Day weekend and most people (including David) have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off; I only have Sunday off. Oh well. C’est la vie!
I’ve been feeling OK lately, not too tired, as I usually am. I’m still not able to concentrate on anything very long, not even my scrapbooking or my Playstation games. My attention span is very short and limited.
I feel like I am wasting my life away – I go to work, come home and eat supper (sometimes I go straight to bed and don’t even have the energy to eat), do a little housework, then go to bed. Oh, what a fun and exciting life I live! But that will probably change in 2 weeks when the darts season begins again. I’ll play in the City & District (usually Tuesday or Wednesday night) and at our usual money shoot on Friday nights. This year I’m also playing in the fun league on Thursdays; I can’t wait for that night, it’s gonna be lots of fun!
The exhibition is in town this week. It has really gotten smaller and shorter since I was a kid – not as many rides, fewer games, it’s only 4 days long this year, and they don’t have the booths with local companies anymore (one of my favourite things as a kid; draws, prizes, and free samples!). But it starts today, and we can see it down the hill from our house. I always like to look out our bedroom window in the evenings and see the lights and rides going, and hear the music and sounds from the fair. They always have fireworks on one the nights, and we have the perfect view from our front lawn. I used to always bug David for us to go “please, please, please”. I probably won’t even ask him once if we can go; I’ll just watch everything from my window.
Ciao for now!
TLC
“I will get by; I will survive” – the Grateful Dead
Last week I received a private message on one of the other MS sites that I frequently visit. It was from a gal who lives in the same city as me. She has progressive MS and she lives in a nursing home – she is only 35 years old! She was diagnosed in 2003; she has signed the legal papers for her 3 children to permanently live with their grandparents, as she is no longer able to take care of them.
I responded to her message, and gave her my e-mail address and my home phone number. She called me 3 days later and we chatted for a long, long time. It turns out that she went to school with my brother Sean; he remembers her from middle school.
I picked her up last Wednesday and took her to our local “MS Self-Help Group” meeting. It was really nice to meet her and to help her get out of the home for a few hours. I helped her into the car, folded up her walker and put it in the back of my car, and off we went to the meeting. She can’t wait until next month’s meeting. It was about a 25-minute drive to the home, then 15 minutes back to the meeting. I’m just worried about the long drives once the winter and snow comes.
I wish I knew why the little things are so annoying and irritating to me lately. Noises and sounds are driving me completely bonkers. The girl who sits in the cubicle next to mine was eating a bag of microwave popcorn earlier, and I was going crazy listening to the bag crinkle. Lights flashing seem to really bother me too. We have a PC Client at work and every time somebody logs a note or message it blinks continuously until you check the message. I can’t log into it anymore because the light flashing on the bottom tool bar is driving me mad!
Life is still hard it seems. I feel so overwhelmed by everything! Life seems to be just so hectic and tense for me. Little things stress me out, and I can’t seem to keep up with everything! Just trying to think and understand things seems to be impossible! There is so much to do, and I feel like there is either not enough time or that I am too tired to do anything. I need to get some energy and motivation to start living again!
Hopefully David and I can go out to St. Martins again this weekend. We haven’t really been out there for a few weeks now, and I truly feel that I need the break! It is my serenity – walking on the beach and looking for beach glass and seashells while listening to the waves! I’m going to an all-day scrapbooking event on Saturday, from 9:00 AM until suppertime; maybe we can go out after that!
The last 2 times we went to the campground I met a family who has 2 beagles – Merlyn and Spirit. Merlyn is 8 years old and is so cute, short, and fat! Spirit is only 4 months old; he is so adorable and energetic. I’ve always loved Beagles and now I want one even more, but I just don’t have the time and energy to take care of one. Their owner, Beth, sent me some pics last week. Check them out on my website on the page named "Puppy Power" at:
http://tracey-lynn-caissie.piczo.com
I think I need a month’s break, an extended vacation, just so I can chill out, relax, get some things done around the home, and feel better. That is just not possible, so I’m just going to have to keep trucking along!
Have you ever been on a wild roller coaster that is going up & down, and round & round really quickly and out-of-control and you just want it to stop so that you can get off? That is how I feel about my life right now. Everything seems to be spinning around me, and I don’t seem to have any control over anything and I just want things to slow down; I need to things to be calmer and more tranquil.
I took a sick day from work yesterday; it was much needed. I did not go to darts last night; I couldn’t handle it. It was the first night of our City & District League, but I am so glad I stayed home. Tonight we have our first meeting for the MS Fundy Region Chapter for the year, tomorrow night is our darts Fun League, Friday night is our weekly darks money shoot, and Saturday is our all-day scrapbooking party! There is way too much happening for me. I love being able to stay home and do nothing; it’s what I do best!
I’m thinking that I have too much “on my plate” right now. I’m working 30 hours per week; I have darts Tuesday and Thursday and Friday nights; I’m the recording secretary for our MS Self-Help Group that meets the first Wednesday of every month; I’m the recording secretary of our local MS Chapter that meets the second Wednesday of every month. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything!
I am still finding it hard for people to understand that I am sick. Sure I look fine and healthy, but trust me in that I definitely do not feel great! Every day is a struggle just to get enough motivation and energy to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m still hearing “Go for a walk” or “Get some more exercise”. This is still frustrating me; I wish I had more energy so that I could do more things; I wish I could have a “normal” life again; I wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I guess it is hard for people to understand because I look fine; the symptoms and problems are internal and can’t be seen by others.
But I should be grateful in that I am doing as well as I am. Sure I have the fatigue and cognitive dysfunction problems to deal with (almost every day!), and quite often I have pain in the back of my neck and my head, and the Charlie horses in my left calf, and the spasticity in my left leg, and the occasional numbness in my feet and legs. But things could be so much worst, so I have to keep reminding myself that yes I feel like crap, but things could be so much worst for me. I am mobile, still able to walk, run, and drive my car. I have no major problems with my vision – and that is one of my worst fears in life: to lose my eyesight. Things are OK right now, I guess. I do know that things could be worst, so I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Sept 14, 2006
I read this on one of the other MS sites, and I think it is great. It was posted by Craig; I wanted to add it here for others to read:
“A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though just as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.
In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the Carrots. She did, and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
Which are you?" she asked her daughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity. Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, ... but after a Death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
It's easier to build a child than to repair an adult...
October 2, 2006
Wow! I haven't written a diary entry in over 2 weeks. Is that slack or what? I guess I've been feeling OK - no major problems to report. Still battling with fatigue, cognitive problems, pain in the back of my neck and above my eyes; nothing new which is good.
I've decided to quite my City & District darts team. It is just too much for me. We play usually Tuesday nights, and the games do not start until 8:00 PM (usually a little bit later trying to get everybody organized). It was just too much for me, having to drive 15 minutes (in good weather) to get there, and not getting home until 10:30 or 11:00 at night. And then having to get up for work the next day. We played at different locations every week, so you can to travel around to various bars and Legions to play. As much as I love playing darts, it's almost a relief knowing that I can just stay home now on those nights and just chill out and relax.
I'm still playing in the Thursday Fun League. It's fun, only a 2-minute drive from my house (same location every week), and it's on the same night every week - Thursdays. They still have a weekly money shoot on Friday nights; I usually play there as well, but didn't last week because I was feeling "off". I think last Friday was the first time I missed the Friday night money shoot. I did go down later in the evening to play cards, "Chase the Ace", and I won $39 then walked home.
Last Friday was a tough day for me. I was really, really tired so I took an extra Provigil pill (3 in total for the day)! I was up until 2:30 in the morning and I felt like crap all day Saturday! David worked Saturday, so I was going to spend the day working on my scrapbooks, but I wasn't even up for that. I didn't do much of anything all day. There was a work party Saturday night at one of my supervisor's homes, and I was planning on attending, but I felt so icky that I didn't make it. Today I'm feeling more "normal".
I spent last weekend at my mother and father's trailer in St Martins again; they were at a wedding in Ottawa, David at a stag party in Moncton, and Tony & Cathy were in Fredericton. It was really nice having so much time by myself just to relax, chill out, and think. I got about 5 pages in my scrapbook done, spent some time walking on the beach, and chatted with Terry and Margot - their son and his girlfriend won the "Set for Life" lottery last month. It was pretty neat hearing the details about their winning. I am happy for them - and super jealous! (LOL).
Nothing else exciting or new to report. Just trucking along, trying to take one day at a time!
I haven’t written in quite a long time; I’m just feeling overwhelmed by everything lately! I wish I could explain my frustration. My life just seems to be so crazy, hectic, and chaotic – although it really isn’t that busy lately. I just feel so stressed out and unable to think and understand things; work is very stressful for me right now. I’m getting lost in my own little head; can’t think right; don’t understand simple things anymore.
I’ve quit my darts team in City & District back in September, and I really don’t miss it that much. I didn’t attend our September MS Self-Help group meeting – couldn’t handle it (as much as I love this group). I just needed the evening to stay home, relax, and do nothing. That is what I want to do now – nothing much. Can’t even really focus or concentrate long enough to play with my PlayStation or do any scrapbooking.
Finding it very hard to get motivated to do things lately. Trying to keep myself moving and living. I am not depressed, but I’m not very happy either. I used to be the bubbly one, always happy and hyper – not anymore, unfortunately.
I guess that people sometimes forget that I have MS and that things are not well for me. Sure I look fine (heck, I look GREAT! lol). But because most of my problems right now are not physical, people don’t realize how hard things are for me. Almost every day is a struggle for me just to get moving and to keep moving. I’d love to be able to just stay home and “chill out” but I can’t, unfortunately. It’s hard for everybody to understand the cognitive and mental issues that I am currently dealing with: not being able to concentrate on anything (not even my favourite things like scrapbooking, playing darts, or my PlayStation); difficulty remembering things (even small things like what I did yesterday, etc); being able to think or understand simple ideas. It’s so weird for me to even try to comprehend these issues.
I’m still finding it hard to get motivated to do things. I’ve quit my City & District darts team (something I used to adore!), and I’ve skipped the last couple of weeks of Friday night money darts (which is what I used to look forward to all week – this was my most favourite thing to do!). I did not attend our MS Self-Help Group meeting last month and I’m probably not going to attend next month’s meeting either. I think I just need “quiet” time at home. Hopefully things will pick up for me soon so I can begin to start “living” again.
I’m still taking Provigil (Modafinil) pills almost every day to help with my fatigue, and lately I’ve been drinking coffee again! Weird because I haven’t been a regular coffee drinker for almost 5 years. My Rebif injections have been pretty good lately – not too much pain or burning; but I still have big red welts all over my stomach, legs, and hips. Thank goodness summer is over so I no longer have to worry about trying to hide my red marks while wearing my swimming suit!
David and I have 3 cats (my “children with fur”) and lately I’ve been wishing we had a dog too! I know that we are not able to get a dog right now, but I still wish we could have one. I’d probably want to get a beagle or a greyhound. Those are my favourite breeds. I met 2 beautiful beagles while at the campground over the summer – Merlyn and Spirit! I instantly fell in love with them! We have 4 greyhounds living on our street; they are the sweetest, most gentle, and loving dogs. So I don’t even know which breed I would select if I were able to have a dog right now – maybe one of each? NOT. Check out photos of Merlyn and Spirit on the page “Beautiful Beagles”, and Bentley, Makh, and Mindy on the page “Gorgeous Greyhounds” on my website at:
November 28, 2006
Goodness it has been a long time since my last entry. I’ve started to write a couple of times, but have been having a hard time getting my thoughts out and actually completing an entry.
Things have been OK. Last week I was scheduled to work Monday through Friday (but had to take a sick day on Tuesday), and I had a meeting for 1.5 hours on Saturday. Saturday night we went to the Santa Claus parade, and then I’m scheduled to work Sunday through Thursday – no time off this week. Yucky.
I got home from work last night, ate supper, and then I went straight to bed. David rubbed my back and shoulders and then I was off to sleep – at 6:30! Boy or boy, what a life (LOL). I slept until about 8:30, then just laid in bed watching TV and dozing all night until I had to get up for work this morning. I don’t feel quite as tired today; I guess being in bed for 13 hours and taking 2 Provigil pills a day will help that!
My father celebrated his 60th birthday last month. We had an open house/ birthday party for him at the Rockwood Park Interpretation Center. He’s taking this milestone age very well!
My nephew Benjamin will be 1 on Sunday. It’s hard to believe he’s 1 already. He is the cutest little guy; my parents (Dad especially) are so fond and smitten with him. Everybody keeps asking me if David and I are going to have kids some day. I really don’t know. As much as I love children, my life seems so hectic and busy already. I’m not sure if we’re every going to have our own kids. But I would love to have a dog some day. Everybody always laughs when they ask if we’re going to have kids and I tell them that I don’t know but that I’d love to get a dog.
I used to compare my life to a roller coaster, spinning up & down, and round & round, out of control. Lately my life can be compared to the “Scrambler” – a bit more calm and not as crazy as a roller coaster. People say to live life one day at a time, but lately I’ve been having to live one hour at a time, never knowing how I’m going to be feeling from one moment to the next.
I’ve gone to 2 scrapbooking classes over the past 2 weekends at the scrapbooking store in Rothesay, and I’ve had so much fun at them! I’m glad I’ve found a hobby that I find entertaining and relaxing, and I’m so glad that my sister-in-law Krista enjoys doing this as well. I can’t wait to show her the cool things I made at the classes; I’m really proud of how they turned out.
Christmas is fast approaching! We are so not even close to being ready (as usual). I have quite a bit of shopping done already (thanks to my mother) but have so much more shopping left to do. And we have to decorate the house, and I have to get the house cleaned up, and I’m trying to make my Christmas cards this year (a bit too ambitious for me as they’re not yet ½ done), and we have so many other things that are needing to get done. Hectic, hectic!
I’m going to try and write a diary entry at least once per week; I find it helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. Let’s see how long until my next one! (LOL).
December 4, 2006
I’ve always loved Christmas! It’s my favourite time of the year. When David and I used to live in the apartment, we had a fake Christmas tree and I usually had it up and decorated by the end of November. But this year I have absolutely no Christmas spirit! Bah humbug. We have no decorations up yet, and I’m really not too excited. There are so many things that still have to be done before Christmas, and I just don’t seem to have any motivation to even get started. Things have been a bit rough for me lately (cognitively). I’m not sure if I’m sad, depressed, or just having self-pity.
I feel bad for David lately; I’m just really moody and bitchy. The smallest things set me off and I’m not sure why. I’ve always loved the snow; I wait every year for the first major snowfall. It’s really snowing nicely right now and I’m not that excited; don’t really care. I wish I could just be my happy and positive self that I used to be. Why do things seem to be so tough and different now?
I can’t even seem to get motivated to do any scrapbooking. I’ve finished my Christmas cards (only took me 2 months!) and now I’d love to do some pages for my scrapbook again. I’m not sure if my mood is because of the MS itself, or my medications, or if it is just the “winter blues”. Hopefully I will snap out of it soon and be happy and relaxed again!
December 8, 2006
Hooray, it’s Friday! I have Saturday and Sunday off this week, and next week I work Monday to Friday with Saturday off, then I work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. It’s tough having only 1 day to my weekend and then having to start the next workweek early. But the bonus is that I’ll have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off at Christmas. I’m so excited to have a few days off at Christmas time.
I went to the MS Self-Help Group meeting this week. I’ve missed the past 3 months, but it was nice being able to attend again. We had 2 new people this week: a lady who was just diagnosed in October and her friend, who seemed to be very supportive. I learned that the lady who was just diagnosed lives 2 streets away from me. I gave her my name, phone number, and e-mail address in hopes that she contacts me. She seemed to really need somebody to talk to about the whole MS thing who can sort-of understand.
We had a snowstorm Monday, and David had the afternoon off work (lucky duck!). He picked me up from my job at 4:30 and we drove home. As we were driving up our street, I saw that David has put up our outdoor Christmas lights! It was so beautiful to have such a sweet surprise! We hung white icicle lights across the front of our house with a cute white lit-up star just above the front door. It is so pretty.
I made my Christmas cards this year – 30 of them. They turned out pretty good. This weekend I have to buy my stamps, address the envelopes, and then send them off. I started them in mid-October; it took me 1½ months to make them. But every one of them is different and unique. I kind of like making cards more than scrapbooking (smaller job and don’t need to concentrate and focus as much).
I’ve taken 2 Provigil pills today, and I’ve had 1 cup of coffee. I’m feeling a bit energetic, so when I’m off work (in 10 minutes time) I’m going to go home and try to get some cleaning/ organizing done. David told me he would turn my home office into a scrapbooking/ craft room as part of my Christmas present. Super cool! He’s going to put up special shelves and design it to help me organize all my craft supplies. But I have to get it cleaned out and a bit organized before he can start. And since I’ve got a bit of energy today and nothing planned for this weekend that is what I think I’m going to do. But it’s going to be quite the task; I’ve got quite a mess in there.
December 15, 2006
Well, it’s 10 days until Christmas! I am not at all ready this year. My house is messy (as usual), we still have quite a few gifts to buy, none of the presents we have bought have been wrapped yet, there are no decorations inside our home, we have no Christmas tree, and I still have many Christmas cards to send/ deliver!
Last weekend I was planning on getting my home office cleaned and organized so that David could start creating my craft/ scrapbooking room; it didn’t get done (and I’m not surprised). I told David to take back all my presents and cancel anything he had ordered because all I wanted for Christmas this year was a dog! He thought that was quite funny, and I wasn’t completely serious. I’d love to have a dog, but we have 3 cats (who would not take well to having a dog in the house), and I really don’t think I’m able to properly care for a dog right now. But maybe someday we’ll get a pooch!
Today is Friday – thank goodness! I haven’t missed a day from work since mid-November, and I’m quite proud of this. It has been hard, but I’ve been pushing myself to keep moving along. I have tomorrow (Saturday) off work, and then work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. The cool thing is that next week I’m off work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday! Yippee, no work for 4 days during the holidays. I can’t wait.
Still trying to figure out when the best times of day it is to take my Provigil/ Modafinil pills. I’ve tried 2 pills in the early morning, and I’ve tried 1 pill early morning and another around lunchtime. Not quite sure which works best. Lately I’ve been drinking coffee at work for a little caffeine “boost”.
Happy holidays to everybody!
TLC
“I will get by; I will survive” – the Grateful Dead
December 27, 2006
Christmas has come and gone rather quickly this year. I worked partial day on Boxing Day (was able to go home early because things were slow; yippee!). David and I woke up around 6:30 and opened up presents at our home, then ventured to my mom and dad’s and opened more presents and had a delicious breakfast. We went home for a couple of hours then went to Sean and Krista’s for supper – it was delicious! After Christmas dinner, we went to visit David’s mother and Stephen for a bit. We got home around 7:30 and relaxed for a while! We were both spoiled again this year with lots of awesome presents – including an upright freezer, which is something we truly needed and love! I didn’t get my dog, but I really wasn’t expecting one, just really, really wishing for one!
Friday I have my yearly appointment with my neurologist. I’ll probably do the same little tests, walk heel-toe across the room (which I cannot do very well on most days), touch my finger to my nose then straighten my arm repeatedly, walk across the room on my heels, walk across the room on my tip-toes, etc. I’m sure everybody on this website knows these tests. I always hear that I’m doing great, he renews my prescriptions, and then out I go. I just wish he could see me on one of my “not-so-great” days; maybe I’ll take a jog around the hospital for 10 minutes so he can see my foot-drop and stumbling in action (just kidding).
David built a really cool outdoor kitty house yesterday afternoon for the stray cats we’ve been taking care of for the past few months. There are 3 regulars, who come by almost every day for breakfast and supper: George (big, fierce orange cat), Annabel (black and white who reminds me of a cow with her markings), and Ebony (a long hair black kitty who really needs to brushed badly). The outdoor shelter is awesome – in the corner of our deck, 2 walls are windows so we can see in and the kitties can see out, a slanted roof so snow doesn’t built up on it, a front door and a back door, plastic underneath the carpets to block wind and water, and we put in some pillows and kitty beds for comfort, food and water. I looked out in the middle of the night and saw Ebony sleeping in one corner as Annabel was eating in the other corner. David saw George inside for a little while as well. We call it the “kitty kastle” – it’s super cool. I’m going to put some pictures of it on my website, hopefully soon.
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